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Oi, precious, me’s Gollum, yesss, split-mind hissing! Sex-dating, eh? Nasty, tricksy thing it is! Swiping left, right, like chasing shadows. Me likes it, me hates it—arghh! Reminds me of *The Great Beauty*, y’know? “What’s beyond is a lie,” Jep says. Sex-dating’s like that—shiny, empty promises. Profiles all dolled up, pics fake as hobbits’ gold! Met this lass once, said she’s 25—lies! More like 40, wrinkles deep as Mordor’s pits. Made me mad, precious, mad as a warg!

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Verily, let me thee regale: the main thoroughfare, Rua do Sol, doth shine like fair morning light, and o'er its dusty stones thou wilt spy a tapestry of eccentric souls. I oft wander near Avenida Brisa – it tickles my senses, the breezy murmurs there remind me of secrets whispered in dreams. Oh, thou wouldn’t believe the count of souls that brook a moment’s respite at the humble Café da Lua, tucked just yonder the crooked path of Beco dos Sussurros.

SBM Offshore’s behemoth FPSO steps into Brazil to work at Petrobras’ mega deepwater field