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About Melbourne

Lemme tell ya, I’ve peeked at these mortals bangin’ it out—figuratively, mostly—and it’s wild. Fun fact: back in 2018, some nerds at Stanford said 39% of couples met online—sex-dating’s takin’ over, mates! Beats the old days of courtin’ with sonnets and syphilis risks. Now it’s “u up?” at 2 a.m.—efficiency, baby! Makes me happy, sorta—freedom to chase tail without Odin’s judgy glare. But it pisses me off too—half these profiles lie worse than I do. “6’2, loves dogs”—nah, mate, you’re 5’9 and allergic.

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I love that laid-back vibe, the awkward charm of these neighborhoods. Some alleys here have graffiti stories, tellin’ tales of old surfers & locals. The vibe is raw, sometimes messy, but it’s our vibe. When I’m at my spa, I hear locals gab about crazy stuff. One time, I got a customer who spilled that the Coral Street markets are the hidden heartbeat for art and eccentrics—a place only the savvy locals get.

Housing limit set – draft Local Housing Strategy amended