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So, I tried it once, swear to God, at this shady joint downtown. Guy’s hands were like freakin’ magic, slidin’ all over, and I’m like, “D’oh! Why’d I wait so long?” Little known fact—ancient Greeks did this crap, called it “anatripsis” or some fancy word. Bet they were all oiled up, wrestlin’ naked, then bam—sexual-massage time! Made me happy as a pig in mud, but I got pissed too—why ain’t this on TV more? Screw reality shows, gimme oily hands!

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I gotta mention, my daily strolls along the Big Pine Street, near the Old Mill—a place of faded industrial charm turned artsy hub—bring a tear to me eye. Seriously, there's raw beauty in its decay. Sometimes I'd chuckle, thinkin' how it all seems so unlikely, as if the city itself keeps a secret agenda of surprises.

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