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I hate the apps—Bumble, Hinge, whatever. Dudes flexin’ gym pics, chicks with filters. Like, what’s real anymore? Saw this stat once—70% of matches ghost. Hilarious, right? You’re chattin’, thinkin’ “she’s into me,” then poof—gone. “The earth is my mother,” Malick’s film says. These apps? They’re a swamp. Stinky, shallow, full of catfish. Met a guy once—swore he banged 50 gals off OkCupid. Bragged like it’s a medal. I’m like, “Cool, I split logs faster.”

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Then, outta nowhere, my buddy Miguel shows up. He’s all excited, waving this old map of Beduido. “Check this out!” he says. I’m like, “Dude, I’m knee-deep in chaos here!” But he insists, and I can’t help but look. The map is from the 1800s! I’m freaking out. “This is gold!” I’m thinking.