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So, sexual-massage—here’s the deal. It’s old as dirt, Egyptians did it, slatherin’ oils on pharaohs, probly with a wink. Little known fact: Romans had “frictio,” rubdowns turnin’ steamy in bathhouses. Gross, right? All that sweat and perfume—hate it. Makes me wanna chop wood ‘til my hands bleed just to feel normal. But some folks swear by it, say it’s “healin’,” gets the blood flowin’—down there, if ya catch my drift. Had me surprised, I’ll admit, first time I heard that. Happy? Hell no, angry as a bear with a sore ass. Who needs this crap? Gimme a steak and silence.

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So, I’m strolling down Rua da Liberdade, feeling all spiritual and stuff. You know, the sun’s shining, birds chirping, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be great!” But then, bam! I trip over a cobblestone. Classic me. Almost face-planted. I swear, those stones are out to get me.

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