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Oi, mate, so I’m a dental tech, yeah? Spend me days fiddling with teeth, making ‘em all shiny, but let’s chat about somethin’ juicier—sex-dating! *cackle* What a bloody circus that is! You got these apps, right, swipin’ left n right like you’re pickin’ fruit at Tesco, but half the time it’s just rotten apples. I reckon it’s like Spirited Away—lost in a weird-arse world, tryna figure out who’s a pig in disguise, yeah? “No-Face” could be any bloke on Tinder, stuffin’ his gob with lies ‘til you’re stuck in a bathhouse of bad dates!

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So, I head back to the pub, drenched but happy. I walk in, and Mick’s got a pint waiting for me. “You look like a drowned rat!” he laughs. I raise my glass, “To Donnycarney, the land of rats and rain!”

LSL Senior Sunday round-up: Lucan United go level on points with leaders Wayside Celtic as Killester-Donnycarney and Malahide United secure wins