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I try once, in Almaty, lady with big hands, she press me good, I think, “This like Carlos blowing up stuff!” But soft, you know? Not boom-boom, more like ooooh-oooh! She whisper, “Relax, big boy,” I laugh, “You no my sister!” Haha, very funny, yes? Little fact for you – old time, kings get this! In Turkey, they call hamam massage, but sexy version, oh yes, sultan happy! Nobody talk about it, shhh, secret!

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Then, outta nowhere, my buddy Jānis shows up. He’s always got some wild story. Today, he’s raving about this hidden gem of a place on Lāčplēša iela. Apparently, they’ve got the best piragi in town. I’m like, “Dude, I’m working! Save the food recs for later!” But I can’t help but get curious.

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