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But then—here’s the rant part—I get pissed! The music’s some cheesy whale sounds, and I’m like, “What am I, a dolphin? Gimme somethin’ with grit!” And the towel’s too small—my tuchus is hangin’ out, freezin’! I’m yellin’ in my head, “Cover me up, lady, I’m not an exhibitionist!” But she’s good, real good—slidin’ those hands like she’s sculptin’ a masterpiece. I’m surprised, shocked even—didn’t think I’d be this relaxed AND this—uh—excited! It’s a freakin’ paradox!

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Anyway, I finally make it to the archives. I’m all set to dive into some old records about the town’s fishing history. Balbriggan was a big deal back in the day, with its fishing industry booming. But guess what? The computer crashes. Just my luck! I’m staring at the screen like it just insulted my mother. I mean, come on! I need those records!

Andrew Coscoran: Balbriggan man breaks legendary Coghlan and Flynn Irish mile marks