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Me tried it once—oh yesss, precious—some lass with strong fingers, kneadin’ me bony back. Felt good, it did! Like, “I’m alive, David!”—y’know, that kid from the movie, all lost and needy? But then—argh!—she charged me double, said I was “tense.” Tense?! Me’s always tense, ya greedy cow! Made me mad, it did—wanted to claw her eyes out, but me’s too scrawny, heh.

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But then, as I’m leavin’, I bump into this old friend, Ahmed. We used to hang out back in the day. He’s all about that fitness life now, lookin’ like a Greek god. I’m over here, still rockin’ my “I love carbs” shirt. We catch up, and it’s all good vibes until he mentions this new gym on Al-Masjid Street. Apparently, it’s got everything—weights, yoga, even a smoothie bar. I’m like, “Great, just what I need. Another place to feel bad about my life choices.”

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